A friend of mine challenged me, yesterday, to remember that my story hasn't been written yet. It has gotten me thinking.
Actually a lot of things have gotten me thinking.
What is my story? What is my dream?
I admit, I've been fairly myopic over the past number of years, and I know why, to some extent. Part of it was the journey I was on; part of it was because I don't trust hope, finding it a very dangerous commodity when your heart is fragile; but mostly because I don't really know what/who I want to be when I 'grow up'.
Moving to England has been a big desire for me for a while, not news to most of you, but it has, in many ways, been an excuse to remain stagnant. As a result I'm often the one who can be relied on to cover the bases, to pick up the pieces, to bring support, and sacrifice, and deep inside I've been crying "What about me? Can anyone see the me beyond what I can do?"
I'm beginning to realize that this is, in many ways, my fault. I have allowed myself to come to this place because I've forgotten how to dream. I've forgotten that there could be more to my life than a potential move.
I've really done a good job taking on other people's dreams, almost convincing myself that they're mine. I've gotten passionate about things that I long to see happen, because I need to be passionate, but none of them are things I can take ownership of. I've even gone so far as to ask my siblings "If I went back to college, what do you think I should study?"
The truth of the matter is, I could do many things well, I could have a smörgåsbord of options, however, Just because I can, doesn't mean I should.
Just because I can, doesn't mean it's mine.
What's my dream? Do I even know how to dream any more? I can't continue to appropriate others' dreams and be happy, it doesn't work that way.
I've also realized something else.
I've got to stop trying to not be a trailblazer. This is me. I think I've been joining with other people's vision because I don't want to embrace that I am to be a pioneer. I've experienced a fair amount of pain on that part of the journey so far, and so therefore, subconsciously, I've backed away from leadership of this sort because I am tired of pain.
I think I realized that running from who I am causes pain too.
It's good to have this realization, but I don't even know where to go from here. How do I start to dream again? How do I stop viewing hope as dangerous? How do I stir the waters? How do I step out as a leader again, but on my terms, on God's terms, and not as I'm expected to?
I haven't a clue, but staying here isn't an option. It's killing me.
After living through the coldest wettest April on record in 100 years, and a week of damp, wet, foggy weather, it's going to be 84 and sunny here in Seattle.
Enjoy your Friday. I'll be waiting for what I hope to be a beautiful sunset.
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"But we have to wait..."
"What for?"
"For the sun to set."
At first you seemed quite surprised, and then you laughed at yourself. And you said to me, "I think I'm still at home!"
Indeed. When it's noon in the United States, the sun, as everyone knows, is setting over France. If you could fly to France in one minute, you could watch the sunset. Unfortunately, France is much too far. But on your tiny planet, all you had to do was move your chair a few feet. And you would watch the twilight whenever you wanted to...
"One day I saw the sun set forty-four times!"
And a little later you added, "You know, when you're feeling very sad, sunsets are wonderful..."
"On the day of forty-four times, were you feeling very sad?"
But the little prince didn't answer.
I was SOOOOO looking forward to Jennifer Weiner's latest Certain Girls. Well everything was zipping along as usual. Enjoying the book immensely. And WHAM! Out of no where with like 20 pages to go her husband (the best husband in the world) up and dies. It really sucked. There was no need for it because the story had already kind of tied up all the loose ends. I like happy endings - I'll admit. I didn't like this ending at all. It was such a downer. Off to find a book that won't depress me!
"Oh yeah, mine"
Libby and I have enjoyed every minute of hanging out together. On Tuesday we went to the Children's Museum in Indianapolis. Both my kids have been there on school field trips but I hadn't visited yet. With children's museums you often get the feeling that if you've seen one you've seen them all but, somewhat surprisingly, I enjoyed our time there. I can't count the number of museum trips I have taken with my kids -- hundreds -- so they always fill me with a little bit of dread.
In the early afternoon we went to check into our water park hotel. And when they say "water park" they mean something one tenth as cool as Wisconsin Dells. When we were given our wrist bands for the water park, we were told that we would only be able to swim that day from 4-9pm; the pool wouldn't open again until 4pm the next day by which time we would have checked out. Now, granted I don't stay at water park hotels all that often but in my experience you can use the facilities on the day you check-out even after check-out time. That the pool didn't even open until 4pm is lame indeed. I inquired as to what exactly I was spending over $200 a night for, if Libby could swim for a whopping five hours and was told that it included "kids eat free." Kids eat free? That's the best you've got? I asked to cancel my reservation and figured that Libby and I could find somewhere else to stay and swim. The manager kindly canceled the reservation, waiving the cancellation fee, and gave us the wristbands to the water park anyway. Libby swam for five solid hours while I read, and then we drove the hour home and slept there.
The dogs were still at the kennels the next day so we were able to sleep in and then contemplated our activities for the day over a leisurely breakfast. We actually started cleaning Libby's room (not a very fun activity but necessary all the same) but after a while I found it so soul-destroying that we had to do something diverting before the visions of adult Libby as someone who lived with piles of newspapers up to the ceiling, medicine ten years passed the expiration date, and bottles of urine in the bathtub took over my head. That girl hoards everything.
We had lunch at the restaurant of Libby's choice (Panera) and then went to the mall where Libby picked out a new outfit. She discovered the Limited Too and proclaimed it "cool" and "expensive." No kidding.
I've talked to Todd and Jesse a couple of times. I have no idea how much that's costing me but it's worth it (I say, until the phone bill arrives). I'm so glad that the boys get to spend this special time together. They get home on Saturday. As soon as I wash off the mud from the walk we just took with the dogs, Libby and I are going to enjoy our last evening alone together. Her softball game has been rained out and a hot chocolate and cookie from Panera are calling my name.
Tomorrow? Tomorrow is my special day! :)
My husband just sent me a text saying that his work (a factory) is going to four long days a week instead of five eight hour days, to help the employees save on gas.
Oh, sure, everything's fine. The common man isn't getting pinched into oblivion. The middle class isn't eroding. Look at the statistics, our gross national profit is going up! There are less people on unemployment! Everything will be fine! Only our gross national profit includes everything from hospital fees to collections- so does it really tell us anything of value about how our economy is doing? And as for people going off of unemployment- you're booted off automatically after six months. So do we really know that all of those people got jobs?
God. I am so sick to my stomach right now.
I'm planning on visiting my grandma either today or tomorrow if she answers the phone (she doesn't always answer when she's quilting and the phone is in the other room). I guess I'll be walking.
Somebody's got to stop using all the gas. Might as well be me.
I don't normally ask for prayer like this, for a personal situation. Mostly because I feel there are greater needs than my own. Today I come because I have a great need.
As most of you know I've been pursuing immigration to the United Kingdom. This is something I have longed for since I was 13, and we left London after having lived there for a number of years. When my family went back in 93, and I had to stay here it was very hard. It's become more difficult over the years, especially with my moms illness over the past 7yrs. The longing to move was always there, but the possibility was remote.
About 18 months ago I finally got a break. Some good friends let me move in with them, cutting down on my expenses with the goal of being able to move to England, and then last November my Uncle paid off my student loans unexpectedly, freeing me of one of the major obstacles to moving. Since then I've been working towards my goal, but have had some set backs. The most major one being that I was running into difficulties getting a clear answer as to what Visa I should apply for. After some huge runarounds my parents got in touch with an immigration lawyer in the UK. He gave them some preliminary information, but they are meeting with him Monday when they will be able to get a clearer picture from him. What we have found out so far is a major blow.
1. Brittan doesn't have very good family reunification laws. They're good if I was under 18 or completely dependent on my family due to illness, but I'm not. So just because my whole family lives there doesn't mean a thing if I want to go.
2. The fact that I didn't finish college doesn't work in my favor.
The Lawyer said that my mothers Illness could help, and it would be easier to get a visa if I had a job lined up over there (which creates its own list of issues, as most jobs will not go through the hassle of hiring me and applying for me to come over with out being highly specialized).
I really need you to be praying. The meeting on Monday will be more comprehensive, where the lawyer has actually done some work, and will be able to speak more specifically. I need prayer for peace and faith, because both are sorely lacking. The whole situation is out of my hands until then, and I can't do anything, which frustrates me. In addition, I feel like my dreams are hanging by a thread, and may be out of reach, which is very difficult to handle. I didn't let myself hope for this for a long time, and just as I have really started to hope, things have come up against this.
A few weeks ago when Luke was playing catcher he was hilarious pointing at the infielders and moving them and giving thumbs up. Learning from the big leagues. Tonight after the game his coach was putting the stuff in my van for me because we have to coach on Sat. when coach has a wedding. So he tells me that when he was in the field giving pointers to the kids he was over by first and then noticed there were kids on first and second so he went over to the short stop to tell him that he can just throw it to Luke at 3rd base to get the force out if the ball comes to him. The short stop tells coach, "I know, Luke told me." Coach was laughing his butt off and said Luke is like his little assistant! We seriously have the BEST coach. When I was telling him about Luke's continuing issues at school he told Luke "No game ball until you get some greens at school." He awards the game ball to one kid per game (like player of the game) throughout the season making sure they each get it once for some reason. I hope that's the incentive Luke needs. I'm so bummed because Coach took the new job and and is probably going to move before the end of the season. He's gotta do what he's gotta do for his family, but we're going to miss him!
Seriously. The flight last night was the most frightening event of my life. On top of Sunday's fiasco with cancellation, this trip was an all-around nightmare in the travel-sense.
The conference was great. Loved the info and the speaker. Chicago was awesome. Wish I'd had more time. Weather Tuesday was fab. Got to eat at Panera Bread for the first time in my life - outdoors at that because of the beeeeeeutiful weather. The hotel was tres chic and modern. Bed was incredible. I wanted to steal it. I was so proud of myself navigating around and got myself to blue line train and out to O'hare for 2 bucks instead of 40.
But the travel. Grrrrr. Weather delayed us leaving Chi town. Lightening bad. Then once we finally were on plane, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaited. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaited. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaited to take off. Finally took off. That's when the real fun began. See there's this little thing called Turbulence. O M G. They wouldn't even let the flight attendant get up. I love flying. Have never been scared. I was freaking out. Praying and almost in tears. It was so freaking rough. So by the time we touched down I just wanted to kiss the earth and vow to never get on a plane again. Finally got home by 1 am. Had to work at 8. Yeah - I'm tired.
But I WILL get over it because in 3 weeks I get to get on another plane and fly to my friend's super fabulous wedding in Texas and party with my mommy group!
Things I am not liking:
~ Walking out to the car two mornings in a row and finding pterodactyl-sized feces on my car. Might I add that said car resides under a car port.
~ Having an itch on my big toe that won't go away. Grrrrr.
~ Gas prices. Double grrrr.
Things I am liking:
~ Freshly painted nails.
~ Freshly painted toenails.
~ Warm enough weather to skip the panty hose (yet another reason to like freshly painted toenails)
~ Salad with dinner - especially when 2/3rds of the veggies were free!
~ Reading a favorite book.
~ Cinnamon coffee cake
~ Appletinis
Jenn tagged me!
"Summarize your life in a six word memoir, with optional photo illustration."
I actually gave this a lot of thought yesterday. This is the best summary I can make in six words:
Trying to live with no regrets
I tag....EVERYONE. Go on, you want to.
Libby and I are taking off for a two day adventure. Gotta go and pack!
